glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
