I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Randomize
