pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
