Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
