Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
