i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
