just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
