I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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