I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
