I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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