If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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