Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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