Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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