tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
