No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
