Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
