Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize