Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
