I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
