Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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