Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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