I haven't been this sober since birth.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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