My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
