Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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