it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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