here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize