My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
