dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
