so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
