Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
