You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize