Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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