I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
