If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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