im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
