i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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