you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I did not marry a roomba.
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