so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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