You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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