I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
