I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
