Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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