I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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