I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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