got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize