Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
