Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
