I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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