We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
