i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
