True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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