I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
