Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
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