I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
