In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
