pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
the day after is always just damage control
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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