I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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