"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
