I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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