toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize