I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize