bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
