Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
