I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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