I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
