I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
my poor anus
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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