I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
