What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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